Today I’m going to teach how you to appear more confident.
Why? Because confidence is one of the most important skills in life that you can acquire (other than learning to use the Force, obviously).
Now, I’m not teaching you this stuff just so you can become some sleazy pickup artist. I’m teaching you because I know how important even a little bit of confidence can be in everyday situations, whether it’s negotiating with your boss for a raise, buying a car, giving a presentation, or meeting your fiance’s parents.
We’re naturally attracted to and will have our opinions swayed by those who have (or appear to have) a lot of confidence. Nerds usually get the short end of the stick in the “naturally confident” department, but that doesn’t mean we can’t acquire it like a new skill, Matrix-style! If you’ve started losing weight, I’m sure part of you still feels like the old you, even if you’ve changed physically – it’s time to take pride in yourself and truly be comfortable in your own skin.
Here are five steps that you can take to start seeing a difference immediately.
Stop slouching
If you can develop good posture, a trait that always seems to bypass nerds, you’ll appear approximately 145% more confident within seconds (I definitely made up that stat, by the way).
I used to have awful posture through most of my life (which caused lots of lower back pain). It wasn’t until I made a conscious effort to focus on standing up straight and strengthening my lower back that the pain went away. In order to stay on target, I actually hung a “POSTURE!” post-it on my bedroom door so I wouldn’t forget each morning. Here’s how you can get started:
Stand up as TALL as you can, like you’re a puppet and somebody just pulled the string that’s attached to the top of your noggin
Pull your shoulder blades down and back as far as possible – This will feel really weird if you spend a lot of time hunched over a desk
Pick your chin up and look straight ahead – stop looking down while walking around, there’s a whole world out there for you to see
If you have trouble pulling your shoulder blades back, try doing two back exercises (say, lat pull downs and dumbbell rows) for every one chest exercise in your workout. This will build up the muscles in your upper back and allow you to actually pull those shoulder blades back together. Want something easier? Try standing with your heels, butt, and head against a wall, and then pull your shoulder blades back until they’re touching the wall too. Do this daily and increase the length of the stretch each time.
If you spend all day in a chair, try this: sit down in your chair, and then stand back up WITHOUT having to rock forward. If you have to lean forward even slightly, you’re doing it wrong. Sit straight up like you’re always ready to stand without having to lean forward. Your lower back will probably get tired as hell sitting like this because it’s not used to the new position – work on it. Do planks every other day (working your way up to two minutes), and you’ll have a rock-solid core and incredibly strong lower back.
This is probably the hardest step of all, as you’ve probably spent years and years developing poor posture without even thinking about it. Spend a month making a concerted effort to have better posture however, and you’ll be well on your way to a more confident appearance. Pretty soon you won’t even have to think about it!
Slow down
I am terrified of public speaking. Seriously, I hate being in front of even a small crowd. However, at my old job I was put on stage in front of thousands of people to introduce bands and I sounded like I belonged up there. You know how I did it? By taking a deep breath, slowing down, and practicing. I still get really nervous, but I’ve learned to manage it so well that nobody notices.
What’s the importance of slowing down? When you get nervous, your voice tends to go up a few notes and you’ll talk faster than you realize. These are two dead ringers for “scaredy cat.”
I’ll never forget presenting my senior business proposal back in college. About thirty seconds into my presentation – which I thought was going well – I noticed my friend Deepa in the back of the room frantically waiving her arms at me, mouthing “SLOOOWWW DOWNNNN.” I quickly readjusted my speech, talked WAY slower than I thought I needed to, and took longer breaths between sentences. She later told me that she couldn’t understand the beginning at all but the rest of it came out perfectly. The rest of that class was molded by that presentation, so thanks Deepa for saving my ass!
If you get nervous in front of people no matter how big or small the group, talk slower than you think you need to, and don’t forget to breathe. In your head it might seem way too slow, but out loud it’s just right.
People don’t smile enough these days, so we’re bringing it back. When dealing with any situation or scenario where you’re uncomfortable, it’s easy to get caught up in your head, which means you probably have a stupidly sad look on your face. Pretty soon, you’ll develop the reputation of “that creepy guy in the corner who smells like cheese.” Now, if you don’t smell like cheese, you’re already halfway home!
We’ll just work on the other half: smile.
Not a fake smile, not a creepy smile, but a genuine smile.
Don’t know how to smile correctly? Stand in front of a mirror, close your eyes, and look down. Look up, smile, and open your eyes at the same time. See that smile right there? THAT’S a genuine smile. Just like Butters.
Win the staring contest
Unless you work at home in your underwear and only interact with your cat (my day is way different than that – shut up), you probably have quite a few conversations with people on a daily basis:
Your coworkers at the water cooler
The lady behind the counter at CVS
Your waitress at lunch
Random strangers that you pass on the street.
When was the last time you looked somebody in the eye until THEY looked away first? If you’re like me, you’ve probably always been the first to “flinch.”
I say no more!
Starting right now, you’re going to be the person that doesn’t look away. Think of each interaction as a mini-battle – your eyes against theirs. As long as you’re smiling and blinking, you won’t come across as creepy…unless, of course, you’re actually a creep. If you’ve always been shy, the first few times doing this will be absolutely nerve-wracking – power through it. Once you start to be the non-flincher consistently, you’ll quickly learn that everybody else is nervous as hell too and will quickly look away given enough time.
Get out of your head
After going through some physical changes, it’s going to take time for you to adjust how you feel on the inside versus how you look on the outside. I sometimes still feel like the 5-foot, 100-pound high-school sophomore with braces even though I haven’t looked like that for over a decade. I have friends who used to be fat guys who still feel huge even though they have a single digit body fat percentage.
It’s time to stop living inside your head.
If you feel out of place in a situation, everybody around you probably does too. We all have our own insecurities; it’s those of us that can exist outside of our brains and project confidence that usually get what we’re chasing. As a fellow nerd and chronic over-thinker, I know this is tough to do: stop thinking so damn much and just go for it.
Once you spot somebody you’re interested in, don’t give yourself more than three seconds before approaching him/her. Anything beyond that will cause you to over-analyze the situation in your head and probably end up doing nothing. You’ll quickly learn that “if you don’t ask, the answer is always no, ” so you have nothing to lose.
Introduce yourself immediately to strangers at a party – get the awkward out of the way immediately, and you’ll come across as cool and collected.
Once you have your speech or presentation prepared, don’t give yourself hours to get nervous – concentrate on something else to occupy your mind until it’s time to present. Don’t over-think, just follow the plan and talk slowly.
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.”
I bet those three things listed above seem scary to 95% of the population (they all scare the bajeezus out of me, which is precisely why I force myself to do them). Part of building confidence is taking risks and having the ability (and the guts) to do stuff that scares you.
Your mission
As you follow these five steps, you’ll start to appear more confident, which will make some of your encounters more successful, which will instill more confidence in you, which will then make even MORE of your encounters successful, and so on. Think of your confidence like a giant snowball with lots of inertia – tough to get started, but once it’s rolling the momentum will take over.
Your homework for today - while walking down the street with your head held high, shoulders back, and a big smile on your face, make direct eye contact with at least five strangers that walk by and give them a simple “hi.” Remember, they have to be the ones to look away first, not you.
The first few times will feel really awkward, but who cares – you’ll never see them again. As you get more “missions” under your belt, you can progress to other more challenging objectives, like striking up a conversation with a stranger, giving a speech, robbing a bank, etc.
One last thing: with great power comes great responsibility. There is a fine line between having confidence and being cocky – nobody likes the cocky guy who is full of himself, so cool it with the cheesy pick up lines, stories proclaiming your awesomeness, and creepy seduction techniques. Fear and nervousness are easy to detect, but so is being transparently fake.
Don’t change what you are, just be learn to be more confident in who you are.
So, what tips did I miss or mess up? Any other words of wisdom to pass along? Us nerds need all the help we can get!
译文：
我教你这些，不是为了使你成为万人迷 ，而是因为知道，即使一点点的更自信， 也能在日常生活中起到重要的作用，不论是和老板谈涨薪水，还是买车，还是演讲， 还是初次见恋人家长。
我们天然会被那些更自信(或者看起来更自信)的人吸引，并且倾向于更相信他们。 宅人们往往不擅于“天然自信”这一行， 但这并不意味着我们不能像学习其他技能那样学会自信(黑客帝国式)。 如果你已经开始减肥成功，可以肯定，即使你的体型已经变化， 可时常还会觉得自己仍然是以往的那个不自信的自己—— 现在是时候找到自己的骄傲，并习真正地习惯自己了。
如果你能摆出良好的姿态——宅人们往往缺乏的特性——立马就能看起来145%的更自信。(当然，这个数据是我捏造出来的）
我一直以来都姿态勾偻，这样也带来了长期背痛 。直到背痛逼迫我有意识地锻炼尽量直立和伸展后背。 为了维持这个目标，我甚至在卧室门后挂上了一个“立正！”的标语，以免每天清晨醒来忘记。
你可以这么开始：
1. 站得尽量高 ，仿佛你是一个木偶，背后头上有个人在牵着线提着你似的。
2. 把后背向下、向后尽量拉低 ——如果你生活中长时间窝在办公桌上，那么会感觉非常不舒服。
3. 抬起你的下巴，并直视前方 ——别再低着眉眼行走，前方还有整个世界可以直视。
如果你觉得向后拉背有困难，可以尝试在进行例行锻炼时，每进行一次胸肌训练， 同时进行两次背部锻炼（比如，前曲下拉练习和哑铃划船， 译注，因为youtube被盾，找了其他的前曲下拉练习，和哑铃划船) 。这样可以锻炼你后背上部的肌肉，使得你可以真正将肩胛骨向后向下拉低。 想要更容易一些的方法吗？可以尝试靠墙站立，后脚跟、臀部和头都靠墙，然后向后拉伸肩膀， 直到双肩都碰到墙壁。每天如此练习，并逐渐增强拉伸的力量。
如果你全天都坐在椅子上，可以尝试这个 ：坐在椅子上，然后尝试不用前倾身躯就站起来。 如果起来的过程中稍微前倾了，那么就做错了。保持尽量坐直，使得站起时不需要前倾。这样坐的话， 你的后下背可能会觉得极端难受，因为身体还没有适应这样新的姿势——努力克服它。 每隔一天进行一次撑举锻炼 (plank，争取做到两分钟）， 这样就可以锻炼出结实的背部核心肌肉群。
这一步是最艰难的，因为你很可能已经常年养成了坏的姿势而不自知。 专门抽出一个月时间专注于锻炼出良好的姿势，就能够走出迈向自信良好的第一步。 很快你就会不需要思考这个问题了！
我非常害怕当众演讲 。真的，我甚至害怕在一小搓人面前讲话。 但我的上一份工作中，在数千人的舞台上负责介绍乐队入场，却成功地融入了那个场合。 你猜我是如何做到的？深呼吸、减慢节奏和提前练习。 仍然会很紧张，但却可以控制住这种紧张，而无人发现。
为什么慢下来那么重要？ 当你紧张时，声音会不由自主提高几个音阶， 并且会比自己感觉到的说得快的多。这两点是“胆小猫”的典型特点。
我永远不会忘记大学时展示我的商业计划书的演讲 。 当我的演讲进行到30秒左右，自认为进展不错的时候， 突然发现好友Deepa在教室后方疯狂地朝我挥舞手臂， 并用嘴型默喊着“慢~下~来~”。我立即调整了自己的讲话节奏， 大大慢于自觉应有的语速，并在每句话之间都停顿深呼吸。 Deepa后来告诉我，开始时她听不明白，但演说后来的部分 进行地很完美。其他的同学都被我的演讲震惊了，所以真的 很感谢Deepa给我的挽救！
如果你会在人前紧张，不管是人多还是人少，请减慢说话的速度， 慢到比你觉得正常的速度更慢，并且不要忘记深呼吸。 在你的脑中可能会觉得这样太慢了，但实际上往往这样才是正好的节奏。
现今人们缺乏微笑，所以我们应当带微笑回归。 当遇到挑战或者不适的场合时，很可能会让你困扰在自己的思绪之中， 而外在看来，就是一张悲伤尴尬的苦脸。如此不久，你就会得到 “那个躲在角落，散发着芝士味道的怪人”之类的名声。 现在，如果你不是真的散发着芝士气味的话，那么离回归正常已经走了一半了！
我们只需要努力做好剩下的一半：微笑 。
不是伪装的假笑，不是猥琐的怪笑，而是真正发自内心的微笑。
不知道怎么样才能自然地微笑吗？站在镜子面前，闭上双眼，并向下看。 接着看上来，微笑，并同时睁开你的眼睛。看到镜子里那副笑容了吗？ 那 就是一个自然真实的微笑。
除非你平时都穿着内衣裤在家工作，唯一打交道的是你的猫（我的生活和这截然不同——所以请闭嘴）， 那么你很可能每天都会和不同的人对话交道：
饮水机旁和同事
CVS柜台的女士
午餐的服务员
街上交错而过的陌生人
你盯着人的眼睛看，直到他先扭头转移实现，这样的情形，上一次发生是什么时候？ 如果你和我一样，那很可能自己总是先“退缩”的那个人。
我说：别再这样了！
从现在开始，你要成为那个不先扭头的人。 把每次目光交错当作一场迷你战争——你的眼睛对他们的眼睛。 只要你还在保持微笑和眨眼，就不会显得恐怖渗人…当人，除非你本身是个恐怖的人。 如果你一直都很羞涩，前几次这样的尝试，都会觉得窒息难受——请勇敢战胜它。 一旦你努力成为了不先退缩的人，很快就会发现其他人也是紧张非常， 并且只要坚持一小段时间，总会退缩转移视线。
现在你已经经过了身体的改变，完成了外在的进化，可以花时间来调整内心的感受了 。 我自己有时仍然会觉得自己还是那个5英尺、100磅、戴着牙箍的高中生，即使 那早已是十多年前的形象。我也有朋友，曾经肥胖，即使已经将脂肪比例减到个位数， 仍然会觉得自己体型庞大。
是时候停止生活在自己的脑内了。
如果你觉得某个场合非常不适，那么很可能你周围的人也有类似的感觉 。 每个人都一样，我们都有自己的纠结担心；只有那些跳出了自我思维的禁锢， 折射出自信之光的人，才能达到自己追求的目标。同是宅男并长期过度担忧的我， 知道这么做很困难：停止无畏的各种思考犹豫，直接行动。
如果遇到感兴趣的人 ，别给自己超过三秒的思考时间，马上靠近TA。任何多余的时间， 都会让你不自主地过度分析、犹豫，而最终往往会什么都不敢做。你会很快学会， “如果不去问，那么答案总是No”， 所以没什么可以损失的。
在聚会的时候遇到陌生人，立即介绍自己 ——这样立即就可以摆脱尴尬的状态，而你也会 看起来更酷更镇定。
如果你准备了你的演讲 ，那么在真正开始之前，别给自己几个小时的时间来变得紧张， 专注于其他的事情上吧。不要过度思考，只要按部就班，并 缓慢 执行即刻。
Ralph Waldo Emerson曾经说过：“一个人如果不是每天都克服一些害怕恐惧，那么他并没有学会人生的真谛。”
我打赌上面列出的三件事情对95%的人来说都是很恐怖的（他们都把我吓坏了， 正因如此我才会故意强制自己去这么做）。 建立自信的一个重要部分，是冒着风险壮着胆子（和头脑）去做那些让你害怕的事情。
你的任务
当你尝试这些步骤后，会开始展现地更加自信，会让你生活中的各种际遇事情更加成功， 并会反过来激励你更加自信，从而获得更多的成功，如此良性循环。 可以把你的自信设想成一个巨大的雪球——要让它运行起来非常困难，但一旦运转起来， 惯性动量就会自动接掌一切。
你今天的任务 - 当走在街上时，抬起头，拉低肩，摆出微笑的表情，最少和五个陌生人做眼神接触， 并说一句简单的“你好。”记住，必须是他们先扭过头看别处，而不是你。
开始的几次会觉得异常尴尬，不过不要紧——这些陌生人再也不会见到了对不对？ 当你成功完成了这些“任务”时，就可以考虑自己设计更有挑战的任务，比如和陌生人搭话、 演讲、或者抢银行之类。
最后一件事：能力越大,责任越大（with great power comes great responsibility）。 自信和自负之间只隔一线——没有人会喜欢那种眼中只有自己的傲慢之人。 所以不要使用那些花俏的开场词、自吹的小故事或者渗人的引诱之辞。 害怕和紧张都很容易被发现，但过分的虚伪也是很容易被发现的。
不要改变你所做的事情，而只要学会更自信地对待你所做的人。